Alhamdulillah! I am on the 4th Ramadhan as a wife and extremely grateful. I am still surrounded by beloved family, Papa, Mama, my sister, my complete family in law, and seeing they are healthy is all enough for me. So blessed.
Yet, something is keep tickling my mind, about to find unanswerable questions beyond my power as a human. I never lie to myself that i really really want to be trusted and imagine i could be a mom. But, i never thought a journey to conceive is such a looong way to go. It upsides me down and often makes me feel like i am the most pathetic woman in the world. I lost, lost by such "a damn competition that was created by such damn people". Even i do not understand why the competition must exists. When you are a married woman, you must able to be with a child. Then you are proud and publish it to all around the world. Tell me it is just an envy feeling because i can not do the same like any other young mothers. But, from the bottom of my heart, is that what i and my husband want? Pleasing anybody, showing everybody that we act like having a perfect picture.
Say i am offended by that situation. It is all because i have none. Probably i will do the same thing because if i were already a mom, i wouldn't never know what it feels like to wait longer for a baby. So, why bothered?
Until someday, i woke up by reading the wonderful post on someone's blog. Could not help my tears down. Knowing i was a bit angry about where i am now.
The post as follows:
http://www.dianonasis.com/2015/06/anak-itu-hak-allah.html?m=1
Such a relief yet at the same time so embarrassed i denied all His authority. His power. And His bless. Giving a child is His prerogative. I rejected that reality and was fighting with my inner voice about my "why". Why this, why that, why me, why him, why them, and why us.
Thank to the writer so i can remind myself that i still have time to prepare and to learn everything. And after this Dunya, Allah SWT grants us for Jannah. Surely i never hesitate His promise as long as i flee to Allah SWT. When i feel down again, i will talk to myself how tiny me, and my problems actually are. Hope my ego will always listen to my inner angel's voice 😊 Something big, is worth to wait. I learn from my past, seems that true. Allah SWT always by my side obviously.
Ciputat,
17th Ramadhan 1436 H.
